My Perfect Mommy Delusion

When I was pregnant, I had this beautiful image of me being this perfect earth mama.  I was going to cloth diaper and breastfeed.  My son was not going use pacifiers (he doesn't, for the record, he hates them).

I had this idea about my labor, too.  I was not going to get an epidural (which I didn't!), and I was going to be moving freely and deliver in a nontraditional position, like on my hands and knees or squatting.

I was going to be the perfect mommy, damn it.

While I was looking at cloth diapers, my mother-in-law told me not to waste my time, that they are expensive, a hassle, etc.  So I gave up on the cloth diapers.  I'm glad I didn't cloth diaper, because, well, I'm lazy and disposable diapers are easy and convenient.  And, if you're out, you don't need to carry around a stinky poop diaper until you get home.

The first month I breastfed my son.  We went for his first check ups, and the doctor told me he was losing weight, and to offer him my breast, pumped breast milk and supplement with formula.

I did all three.  He still wasn't gaining enough weight.  She prescribed me some medication that would increase my milk.  It didn't work.

So, we started formula-exclusive feeding.  The next appointment, he was in the 96% of his weight.  I was happy my son was getting enough nutrients.  I was also sad and disappointed with myself, and I felt like a failure.  I couldn't provide the basic and most important thing in my son's life.

It was made worse one day when I had the car and I was picking my husband up after work.  (He worked with his aunt's husband at the time, and he would drive to the aunt's house and the uncle would drive the rest of the way.)  The Bubs and I got there about 10 minutes before my husband was supposed to arrive.  The baby being so new, he was only about two months old, the aunt asked to hold him.  He started fussing because he was hungry, so I handed her a bottle.  She looks at it and says, "Formula?  You have a bad mommy!" 

I'll let that soak in.  I'm a bad mommy because I'm not breastfeeding my son.


It was like a slap in the face.  I'm a fairly private person in real life.  I didn't feel like having my business broadcasted, so I didn't bother telling anyone.  She doesn't know the struggle that I went through, and she doesn't need to.  It's none of her business and she shouldn't have opened her big, ignorant mouth.

I struggle privately with this pain on a daily basis.  I look at my beautiful and healthy son and I wonder how much better off he would and could be if I had been able to provide the right food for him.  I wonder how worse off he will be because I didn't.